Month: June 2019

Blankie

Confession time. I slept with my blankie all the way up until, hmmm… sometime in middle school I think. Although by the time I was forced to part ways with it (as I recall I was still not exactly keen on parting ways with it), it was hardly a blanket anymore. It was more a shred of cotton maybe that had perhaps been a blanket in its former life. It was barely enough to even hold onto anymore. What more could one expect of something that I had held onto every single night for my entire life up until that point? I could not imagine parting ways with it. Yet after years of my mom’s reasoning, cajoling, begging, pleading, finally one day- with my permission- it disappeared from my life for good- when I wasn’t looking because I just couldn’t.

That blanket was my comfort. It was my security. It was the hug that I needed. It helped me feel at home and safe in the world. What would I do without it? Well now I know. I replaced that blanket with success. Achievement. Accomplishments. Awards. Accolades. Credentials. Degrees. Feats. Titles. Knowledge even. What could be more secure than to know? And there was a point in my life when I was pretty sure that I knew. I had it all figured out, or at least the gist of it, which was enough. I was settled. The entire road ahead of me was clear. Life was settled. All that was left to do was to just play it out.

Only, of course it wasn’t settled at all. Nor would it ever be. I found that out the way most of us eventually do, when the blanket that I had wrapped myself in was ripped from me by forces much greater than myself (thankfully), leaving me standing in nothing but a sea of uncertainty when I was in my mid thirties. But I am stubborn as all get out, so rather than simply give in I just pushed harder and bigger, uncertainty and all. The past fifteen years of my life are a testament to that. I am not going to lie, it’s impressive what I (inclusive of my we with Shannon) have done in that time. That is, if you are impressed by the doing.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not dissing the path I have travelled. There have been a ton of worthwhile endeavors along it. All I am saying is that it’s time to truly let go of my blankie. I don’t need it anymore. As I find myself once more standing before the abyss of uncertainty, I suddenly don’t have a care in the world. By all accounts I should. I should be very worried about my future right about now. But somehow I’m not. Not at all. I feel peaceful. I feel grateful even for the void in front of and all around me. I am more than o.k. with it. It’s not that I think it’s all going to be easy or that everything is going to go down without a hitch. There are bills to pay, a house to sell, a house to overhaul, jobs (or something like that) to find, and on and on. No news there.

My former version of myself would be racing to do all of the above, to fill the void as thoroughly and grandly as possible. But now… I just find myself sitting here. Waiting. Waiting to see what is going to happen next. It’s a curious thing, this turn of events. All I can really say is that the Universe has my attention. And I am vigilant this time to not fill it with knowing, or needing to know even. I think I’ll just patiently sit here. Hang out with my inner 5 year old child. Let her know that she doesn’t need that blankie anymore because I’ve got her. She’s safe. I’m safe. Life is safe. No matter what happens, it’s all o.k.

Yesterday I had a meeting over hiking with a professor at UVM who is working on the same sort of things I have been working on in the world. First off, yes, we actually met over hiking, not coffee. Thank you Universe for sending me such a beautiful soul to reinforce my peace in so many ways. Just now Shannon and I returned from a Dharma Talk at the Bread Loaf Mountain Zen Community, which we are trying out. Thank you Universe for supporting the founding of this community in our backyard just a year ago. I feel a resonance there. Thank you also for sending me yet another beautiful soul to reinforce my peace through his sharing and the reminder of Jiddu Krishnamurti’s secret to maintaining peace and joy in life:

“I do not mind what happens.”

That sums up this moment for me perfectly. I do not mind what is happening nor what is going to happen, or even not happen for that matter. It’s all o.k. All of it. I’m open. I see the blank slate before me, and I don’t need my blankie.

Houston, …

We all know how this story goes. Yes, we have a problem. Our problem is appearing in a million different ways, making it seem like a million different problems- environmental, social, economic, political, relational, personal, physical, emotional, psychological, and on and on and on. But it’s just one problem. And it’s my problem every bit as much as it is yours. It’s the root of all of our problems. We have forgotten who we are. At least that’s one of the easiest ways to say it. 

Now maybe you are thinking you know exactly who you are. I myself have a pretty good sense of who I am. Of course there are all of the activities that have defined my sense of self: student, gymnast, hockey player, coach, architect, professor, etc. and so on. Then there’s the resume stuff: accomplishments, degrees, awards, positions, affiliations, credentials, etc. and so on. Then there are my relationships: child, sister, parent, friend, mentor, colleague, partner, soul mate. Let’s not forget my possessions: lake house, tiny house, mountain (well, halfish a one anyway), car, phone, computer, clothes, etc. and so on. Put all of these things together and my identity looks pretty darn solid. You might look at me and think that’s one sturdy self you got there. Sure. Of course it is. I’ve spent almost 50 years building it. Have I mentioned that I am an overachiever?

Yet none of what I just mentioned really tells you anything about me. I am actually none of the above. And that’s just the first thing. The only way to get any sense for who I am is to be in relationship with me. There you will begin to find the real stuff of me: my passions, my feelings, my thoughts, my patterns, my energy, my wounds, my joys, my triumphs, my presence, etc. and so on. In other words, being in relationship with me gives you insight into my actual experience of life. My experience is unique, just as is yours. Is this, then, the realm of our true selves? Am I my experience? I think that for most of us, our identity does tend to get stuck in the realm of experience. This is to say that how we experience life tends to define who we think we are. More about this some other time.

Whatever the case, we have a dying need to know who we are. For certain. Where do I end and everything else begin? This isn’t simply an individual phenomenon, it’s also a collective one. So you could say that a family, an organization, a company, a team, a city also form identities in all of the ways mentioned above. Houston has many identities: Space City, Bayou City, Clutch City, H-Town, Screwston, etc. And then there’s the branding. This is what we promote in an effort to control how others perceive us. My branding would hopefully lead you to perceive me as somebody who cares deeply about environmental and social justice issues. Houston’s current branding is “The Energy Capital of the World.” Mind you, this was a deliberate replacement of the previous brand name “The Oil Capital of the World.” Well, nobody needs to explain why the change. Identity is important. It’s how we navigate the world, currently anyway. My question is, how much stock should we really put in it? 

Ah, Houston, you are such an easy target. That is to say, I’m not buying it. And mind you, I am a native Houstonian. In fact, in so many ways I am Houston. But now I am getting ahead of myself. Just understand that I am in a very real sense calling myself out in saying what needs to be said in this moment- “Energy Capital of the World” my ass. No. Not. Not even close. Houston, you are still very much the Oil Capital of the World. You do not get to transition from oil to energy until you actually do the work to do so. Sorry. When the Exxon Mobiles of the world start taking this transition seriously, then I’ll bite. 

For now, I think that it is critical that we all work to see ourselves clearly. This is as true for each of us individually as it is for us collectively. Who am I? Well, if we are talking about my little self- the embodied, relative, human version of me- then the best way to tell who I am is to look for my patterns. For example, I have a tendency toward overachievement. To get to who I really am, just follow the overachievement to the root of it. There you will find a vulnerable, unconfident, insecure, shy, hurt little girl who figured the only way to survive was to succeed. So I did. But if you want to really know me, you have to get to know that little girl. Who is she and what is she really after? You know the answer. We all know the answer. Love. That is both the who and the what of it. The irony, of course, is that who we are is what we are after not realizing that we are already it. 

But back to Houston. Houston, in looking at your patterns what I see is flooding. You know why? Houston is a swamp. Let’s be real. I see unbridled exploitation of resources. You know why? The city was founded on speculation… in the spirit of the wild west. Now before you all join me in throwing stones at Houston, stop. Stop because not only am I Houston (and stones hurt!), but we are all Houston. Houston is, unequivocally, the epicenter of our current world paradigm. Don’t think so? Just follow your own wealth, or the lack thereof, and you will find it is rooted in the discovery of none other than black gold. Oil. Oil was discovered just a stones throw away from Houston. Now these two patterns that I have mentioned are entirely related. Houston is a swamp because it used to be ocean. It was built up over time by the layering of dead organic matter from the sea under the erosion of mountains delivered via rivers. Layer upon layer. Throw some salt in there too. Add a ton of time and pressure and walla! The energy of the sun, having been collected by organic matter, is turned into the most dense storage of energy the world has ever known. And it made us all rich (generally speaking). 

Well, we all know how this story goes. Houston, we have a problem. Some of the most extraordinary minds in the world are working on what to do about it. Some are still not, in large part because their wealth is rooted in the oil economy and they have yet to realize that their pensions are about as real as Enron’s were. Listen, I get it. This is hard stuff. Do you want to know how Houston I really am? My family moved to Houston when I was six months old to chase the dream of black gold. My father is a geophysicist. He was quite good at finding the stuff. I am a pure product of the “Oil Capital of the World.” I know the place like the back of my hand. Not only did it shape my every experience, and therefore me, but I have studied it’s patterns for 30 years now. 

This all leads me to what I need to say in this moment. Houston, after 50 years, I have left. I have left you for higher ground. I am in so many ways a privileged climate refugee. It’s embarrassing to even say that. I had the means and the vision to move out of harm’s way. So I did. I am gone. Yet I have not abandoned you. Not at all. I am Houston. I always will be. I will always keep one hand reaching back for you. So here is what that hand looks like. The most important thing to know is that we have to shift the story. We can no longer focus on the problem. For as long as we focus on the problem, we stay stuck in the very way of thinking that produced the problem. This isn’t news! 

We must instead look for the potential. The key to finding the potential is to follow the patterns. Follow the patterns all the way back to the very thing that was being sought in the first place. What was it? What were we after? What was this place after? What is it really about? What is its essence? What is it really wanting to be? What would it be if it achieved its full glory (potential)? Maybe it is the energy capital of the world, maybe it isn’t. What does that mean anyway? I mean really mean…at the deepest level that we can think about it. If it is wealth we are after, then what is true wealth? Houston, the world is looking upon you now more than ever to solve the problem. I am telling you not to offer a solution. Rise above the problem instead. Move into a new potential like only you can. Just make sure that this new potential creates real wealth (for everyone and everything), rather than the slippery black slope that we have been down. Henceforth let us say, “Houston, we have potential.”