Month: December 2019

The Force

I was seven when the first Star Wars movie came out. I saw it in the theater. Yesterday, I saw the last one in the theater at age fifty. Let’s just get this out of the way- I love Star Wars. It’s not so much with a geeky obsession (although I certainly understand where that impetus comes from), but more out of reverence. I remember the first one clearly opening up my sense of what was what not only in our Universe at large, but within me. I felt validated and seen somehow. It’s that sense that we all have when we are younger that something magical is going on here, before we manage to reduce it and ourselves to something less than. The Force, from our more primordial state, is somehow not quite so fictional, or remote and unreachable as the case may be. I think Star Wars is so beloved because it reminds us of what we inherently know when we are not busy covering ourselves up. Regardless of how old we are when we see a Star Wars movie, we exit with a greater sense of who we are and what is possible.

As you might imagine if you have read enough of this blog, the Force is not only a real thing for me, it is The Thing. Star Wars explains it as the universal energy that connects all living beings. I often simply refer to it as God. George Lucas would, I believe, say the same. He brilliantly took the concept out of all religious and contextual language referring to God so that we might see it anew… without defaulting to argument. He succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest imagination at showing us that we all, regardless of culture or religion, believe in the same, well… Force… even if we describe it differently. When we strip away the layers of dogma that we are all buried in, we intuitively and naturally just know. The proof is in the stories that we tell. Be they fiction or non-fiction, they are based in reality as we understand it. I might argue that fiction generally does a better job at revealing that reality because it doesn’t get hung up by the rational mind. I think in the case of Star Wars, it has over the course of its unfolding reached into a depth of understanding that we hardly knew was there when it started.

So, yes, the Force is the field of energy that supports all of life. It is just another name for Prana, Chi, Ki, or Universal Energy. Yet I take it a step further to say that it is life itself, that there is no differentiation between matter and energy. Our science now supports that assertion. Even if Star Wars doesn’t take it that far, it is a great entry point nonetheless. By the way I just have to say this. Yoda is my favorite! That artwork above is hanging on our wall. And, yes, I did in fact wear my Yoda t-shirt to the movie yesterday. O.K., maybe I’m a little geeky. I’ll admit it! My brother and I also played religiously with our Star Wars action figures when we were kids. When we were kids, people! We were kids!!

Speaking of kids, I took my daughters to see their first Star Wars movie when they were kids. I remember wanting to share that same sense of opening and possibility with them as I had experienced when I was a kid. My eldest daughter Madison also went to see the Rise of Skywalker this week. She texted me to say “I think I love Star Wars so much because of you taking us to Tinseltown a long time ago to see either Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones, can’t remember which episode exactly.” You see, it’s a family thing this Star Wars business. It’s about mothers and daughters and fathers and sons. I have watched as both of my daughters have fiercely wielded the Force in their own lives, both of them overcoming great odds not so much to become some heroic figure, but simply to heal.

I would like to therefore use this opportunity to make the case that healing is, in fact, the most powerful thing that any one of us can ever do. To go there we are going to have to talk about the Dark Side. What is it, exactly? I think this is one of the most brilliant aspects of Star Wars, as we discover over and over again that the Dark Side isn’t the external force of evil that we think it is- it’s a part of us. To be more specific, it is our shadow as posited by Carl Jung. It is the part of us that we hide in shadow because we cannot face it or accept it about ourselves. It is our pain that we have swept under the rug, hid in the attic, and locked in the basement…. leaving it alone to fester in darkness. Of course it makes its presence known nonetheless. It does so through projection into the outer world, into the people and events that we attract into our lives so that it, our Dark Side, can be seen and heard. Our shadow doesn’t do this to torture us. It does so because it actually wants to be healed. The Dark Side is always seeking the Light of Day.

The Force is collective in nature, whether we are talking Light or Dark. Therefore when one individual activates the Light, she does so for everyone and everything. When one individual activates the Dark (most often by ignoring it rather than intentionally doing so), she does so for everyone and everything. In this sense, the human story of good versus evil is really about how much of the one we are activating as opposed to the other. But make no mistake- we are in complete control of the narrative.

Families are the most powerful vehicles that we have for this collective narrative. When a family hides away its Shadow, the whole family gets locked into it… for generations. That is to say that the Shadow is passed from parent to child endlessly until somebody decides to heal it. Fortunately, when that one person decides to face and heal the Shadow, she does so for everyone who came before her as well as everyone who will come after her. If that isn’t powerful, then I don’t know what is.

The Star Wars saga portrays this perfectly. I sincerely hope that it inspires each of us to go within, face our Shadow, and carry it to the Light. The hero that we are in need of right now lies within each of us, and it has to do with healing our own story. I am in no way suggesting that this is easy work. In fact, it may be much harder than destroying the Death Star seems to have been. It takes true courage, persistence, dedication, will-power, undying love, and this one thing that we resist most of all- vulnerability. To be vulnerable is to admit that we need help. We truly cannot do it alone. The Shadow is collective in nature and requires a collective response. Hell, we can’t even see it without the reflection offered by those who are closest to us. How can we get to something that we can’t even see? If Darth Vader wasn’t Luke’s father, Luke never would have been able to see it in and as himself. He most likely then would have fallen to the Dark Side himself. What we can’t see consumes us.

Now to offer something tangible in this quest. One of the most powerful realizations for me came out of my Regenerative Practitioners training. It is a simple way of understanding how we are framing life. In this framework there is an internal and external world on the one hand and a locus of control and a considering on the other. The question is which is being paired with which, and it makes all the difference.

In our adolescent culture we frame the world with an external locus of control and an internal considering. Let me explain. An external locus of control says “the world is happening to me” and I have no control over it. I therefore react to what life is throwing at me through internal considering. In short, I consider what I need to do for my own survival in response to whatever hostilities life is throwing my way. What else could we possibly do in this scenario after all? We have to survive! Yet this framework traps us in victimhood. It prevents us from seeing how our own choices guide our life’s unfolding. It prevents us from taking responsibility for the world we are creating. Instead, we hustle to survive at any cost. This framing of life will never lead to healing, evolution, or thriving. In fact, it will be the death of us if we continue along this path.

A mature culture- one that has truly achieved adulthood- frames the world with the opposite pairing: an internal locus of control with an external considering. In this view, we take responsibility for our world. We assume our true role as creator. Let me be clear. I am not suggesting that anyone is responsible for how somebody else is showing up. That could only be perceived to be the case if the locus of control of that other person were framed as external. Just because other people may perceive the locus of control of their lives to be external to themselves does not mean that we have to or should corroborate that story. The most powerful thing that we could do would be to help restore that person’s power, by gently guiding her to an internal locus of control.

With an internal locus of control, we return to a place of safety wherein we can shift our considering to be inclusive of external factors. In other words, since we are no longer consumed by our own survival in a hostile world, we are able to reconnect with the broader world in such a way that our decision making shifts to considering what is in our collective best interest. That is external considering. It recognizes that our personal wellbeing is interdependent with collective wellbeing, that our self-actualization is dependent upon system-actualization. Yet this is where we tend to get tripped up, so let me explain a little more here.

Our Shadow is individual in the sense that we contracted it through our individual experience and are continuing to host it through our individual choices. That much is true. However, we can’t forget in this that the Shadow is collective in nature. That is to say that we each have to do our part to heal it, but just because one person heals it doesn’t mean that it automatically disappears from the human condition, or even from our own lives. As long as anybody is hosting it, it will still be there (albeit weakened, most notably in those closest to you.) It is wise, however, to remember that most likely millions if not billions of people are still hosting any one given aspect of our Shadow at any given time.

It is critical that we understand this because, for example, just because one person may overcome the belief in scarcity does not mean that scarcity isn’t deeply embedded in our culture to the degree that it is extremely difficult for individuals who grow up in poverty to escape it. Let’s be clear about that. We ultimately have to transcend scarcity together. That means that we have to face the Shadow “scarcity” together- as a culture, as a community, as a country, as a species. It should be obvious, but I’m afraid it’s not. One person’s way of holding scarcity may be to hoard all manor of wealth, while another’s is to be devoid of any such wealth. The one is dependent upon the other and until we face that reality we will continue to support systems in which some have way too much and others don’t even have enough to survive.

Maintaining a clear awareness of our interdependence (external considering), we must still realize that our true power is within us (internal locus of control). It is through each of us individually that creativity meets the grounds. Creativity can only come through us. There is no way to get to collective wellbeing without going through individuals (including individuals of other species, incidentally). System-actualization cannot occur by any means other than self-actualization (and vice versa). I’ve said this before and I’ll repeat it ad nauseam, either we all make it together or nobody makes it. That is, incidentally, one of the central themes of this last Star Wars episode. Yet if we want to heal the planet, whether we are talking the health of Gaia herself (ecology) or we are talking simply our relationship to one another as a species (sociology), the fact remains that the only way to get there is through… you.

Yes, you. You have to heal the parts of the Shadow that you are carrying. That is the only way that we are going to make it. It is the single most important thing that we must do. Yes, changing our personal habits to be in alignment with our ecological systems is absolutely necessary. So by all means, reduce, reuse, recycle, and so on. Yet we will fall short if that is the crux of our focus. That is aiming too low. We have to go deeper. What we have to aim for is regeneration. To achieve that, we will have to assume our responsibility as creators.

Let’s help each other. It’s delicate work, of course, and we will trip all over ourselves in the process no doubt. I sure do!!! So be it. We have no other choice. Here is a guide good enough on its own to help us to find our way: internal locus of control + external considering. Aim for that and self correct as necessary. Each of us will have to face really scary, painful things along the way. For that, we need the help. Here is just a short list of resources that I have found helpful: psychotherapy, reiki, meditation, reading (self help, spirituality, ecology, sociology, sustainability, etc.), online personal development courses (DailyOm, Charles Eisenstein, Pachamama Alliance, to name just a few), tai chi, yoga, workshops and retreats (Kripalu, Omega Center, Esalen, Metta Earth, Mystica, to name just a few), drumming circles, training (permaculture, Regenerative Practitioners), homeopathy, sound therapy, acupuncture, and I could go on and on and on. There is no shortage of resources out there!

But you want to know what my number one resource is? The reflection that my relationships, particularly my most intimate ones, offer me. Those are critical, as they provide me with the eyes that I need to see what I need to heal. They also provide me with the support that I need to heal. From there, I can “use the Force.” To use the Force is to center into an internal locus of control while simultaneously tapping into the realization that we are One with all that seems external to us. When we master that, we abide in the All That Is. That is to say, we achieve enlightenment, or Heaven on Earth. I won’t give away how the Star Wars saga ends, but let’s hope it is a vision that we will live into. May the Force be with us!

The Message

Merry Christmas, from this little elf on the shelf! (I hope you are laughing.) Sometimes I do feel somewhat like this, like this mythical creature who has landed here to watch over humans. It isn’t for the sake of judging naughty or nice though, it is more to gauge the degree to which we are getting “The Message.” And I do mean we, because while I do feel alien at times, something always comes along to whack me right back into the reality of my own humanity. In my moments of observation, I often find myself looking out at humanity thinking, “What in the hell are you doing???” Then the whack comes and I have to turn the question inward to, “What in the hell am I doing???” So it goes. As I look into that question I remember, it is always the being underneath the doing that is in need of attention.

In honor of Christmas, I’d like to have a heart to heart about who we are being. That is my signal to slow down and get centered before we move on. Get comfortable. Take a few deep breaths. Do whatever you need to do to know deep within yourself that you are safe. We are going to get uncomfortable. Yet at a time when we so often hear people complaining that we need to “put the Christ back in Christmas,” I think it is time we have an open, raw, real discussion about the elf in the room. (That was your comic relief!)

To begin, I have to again confess that I am not a Christian. In part this is to say that I was not raised a Christian. I am not a Christian by default. My parents insisted, in my Mom’s own words, that my brother and I “come to our own conclusions about God.” So I wasn’t raised in any religious tradition, and I have never adopted one. Furthermore, we didn’t discuss God in our household one way or the other. This is to say I wasn’t raised an atheist either. I truly was given free reign over my own beliefs. I will forever be grateful to my parents for that decision. The result was that I have always enjoyed a natural and direct relationship with God.

It helped, of course, that I had a direct encounter with the Divine right out of the gate. That established a relationship that continued onward such that I have never not known God. Nor have I ever questioned the existence of God. That doesn’t mean that I have not questioned God, because believe you me I have! Let me describe a little more about how our relationship functions. First off, I have never envisioned God to be an old, white, bearded male. I have never envisioned God in any form of embodiment. When I visualize God, what I see is pure white light. That’s it. God does, however, have a voice. So my communication with God has always been primarily in the form of a conversation. That conversation happens through my own internal voice. I don’t hear dead people, or deities for that matter. Yet it is a distinct voice.

Not that God always answers to my whining and bitching and questioning. When I get into that mode, I know God is listening and that the response is going to be to just let me play myself out. For example, I have given God considerable grief over my lifetime about whether or not humanity was the best design They could come up with. What can I say, I am an architect! I know the answers to such questioning at this point, but that will have to wait for a future post. What I want you to hear now is that my relationship with God is nothing special. Not at all. This is the relationship we are all meant to have. God also speaks to me through the world. They might speak to me through a series of events. They might speak to me through you. No matter what the mode of communication, I hear when I have the ears to hear… which is not always.

That is my relationship with God in a nutshell. Now for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I don’t really have one. I know that probably makes a whole lot of Christians sad right out of the gate. I’ll ask you not to be, for reasons that I am about to explain. The deeper reason I am not a Christian is that I am not by choice. I have never been in need of a mediary between me and God. That is why I have never adopted any religion or guru. Please understand that this is in no way an act of disrespect or a prescription. As a case in point, it might make you feel better to know that I wholeheartedly believe in Jesus Christ. Although I am sure I have now confused a great many of you, so more explanation is in order.

I believe that Jesus Christ was exactly who he said he was. I believe that Christ was God. No question. Of course I believe that there is nothing but God, so how could I not? Yet I also do consider Jesus to be an enlightened master, in the same way that I consider Krishna, Buddha, Moses and Muhammed to be enlightened masters (among others). Now some Christians are going to be mad at me again, because that seems like I am demoting him. I am not. I am simply promoting everyone else. Hang in there. Breathe. Let’s talk about what an enlightened master is. In the way that I use the designation, an enlightened master is somebody who has completely and utterly removed all boundaries of self to realize that he/she/they is in actuality The All That Is. In short, enlightened masters have truly realized that they are God, and they furthermore abide in that knowingness. This is Christ Consciousness.

So I can buy into all aspects of Jesus’s life story. When one lives beyond the veil of separation, one is not bound by the rules of separation. Yet not adopting Jesus as my Savior and my Way disqualifies me from being a Christian as Christianity has defined it. I do not accept that Christianity is the only way to “reunite” with God. I do, however, accept it as one way. I further do not accept Christianity’s adoption of the story that humans are inherently sinners and that only Jesus sacrificing his life for us would save us from ourselves. I don’t buy that. Take a lot of really deep breaths now. Maybe get up and stretch. Pour yourself something warm. Calm your heart. We are all gonna be o.k.

The reason that I don’t buy the story that Jesus had to sacrifice his life for us and that the only way to God is through that sacrifice is because I don’t believe that is what Jesus actually intended. To be more direct, I believe that interpretation of the story to be antithetical to The Message that Jesus came to deliver. And let’s make no mistake about it. Jesus’s mission was one of the most, if not the most, daring, ambitious, moonshot attempts ever made to deliver The Message to humanity. It was also, for sure, the most excruciating, exacting, sacrificial, and ultimately brutal in the attempt. It wasn’t these latter things by necessity. It was that way by our own choosing. We chose to do to Jesus what we have done to each and every one who has ever attempted to deliver The Message. We crucified him (literally, in this case).

Now of course Jesus was warned that this would be his fate. That doesn’t mean that he just accepted it. He questioned God in the exact same way that any human who is being honest has, “Why have you forsaken me?” That is to say that Jesus was every bit as human as the rest of us. He wouldn’t dispute this. Why? Because Jesus ultimately came to know beyond the shadow of a doubt (although it took some strife) that there is nothing but God. Therefore he would never, and did never, place himself above anything else. To do so would be to place himself (God) above God. It doesn’t work. That we have placed him above us is the result of us not yet having the ears to hear the very Message that he came to deliver.

This is not what he wanted for us, I would say. To be more specific, the world we have henceforth created is not what he wanted for us. Here’s the thing. When Jesus said I am the beggar at your door, He. Was. Not. Speaking. Metaphorically. He was simply stating the literal truth: there is nothing but God. We are all that. Yes, Christ = God. Christ knew that. He also knew that as God he was all of it. Literally. I can’t stress that enough. The irony here is that we have managed to turn things meant to be taken literally into metaphors and things meant to be metaphors into things to be taken literally. We got it all backwards. Why? Because we haven’t yet had the ears to hear.

To accept The Message is deeply terrifying. It is terrifying for us individually on multiple levels. On the surface level, to make such a declaration means facing the crucifixion by our fellow humans that is sure to follow. No thanks. On a deeper level, to accept that we are God means that we have to accept responsibility. Ugh. You mean I have to take responsibility for this disaster of an area that we have made? Yes. On a collective level, the powers that be can’t have us all going around believing that we are God. How on earth would they maintain power and control if we knew that? All hell would surely break loose. We honestly believe that. The irony here is that the exact opposite is true. When we all realize that we are God, all heaven will break loose. This, my friends, is what Jesus intended for us. Heaven on Earth.

When I think about Jesus, I can only imagine him in a facepalm. Of course I can only imagine him from my own perspective. I would be pissed as all get out if my name had been used to wage wars, kill, oppress, enslave, hoard, other, separate, withhold, hate, etc. I would be wondering to myself, “What did I do wrong??? Didn’t I tell them and show them and demonstrate to them that there is nothing but God?! Didn’t I prove to them that death is an illusion? Didn’t I lift the veil so that they would understand that they too are God? And what is God, if not Love? How are they not getting it????” That would be me as Jesus right about now. Then again, I am not looking at it from the perspective of an enlightened master, because I am not one. The enlightened master knows that it is just a matter of time, and we have all of the time in the Universe.

And then we don’t. Not in this world. Really, folks, we don’t. Not this go around anyway. We will have infinite chances for sure. But this one is almost up. In the short 2,000 plus years since Jesus’s great attempt to deliver The Message, we can now only view it as a great Hail Mary pass. Will we catch it? Or will we drop it? It truly was a moonshot given where we now stand. It is with this in mind that I will now make my grownup Christmas wish. Here it is:

If anybody- I mean anyone– should walk up to you and ask the question, “Who am I?,” I wish every human to be able to wholeheartedly respond beyond the shadow of a doubt, “You are Christ.” No matter the circumstance! We will know we have it when we do so without hesitation, or judgement, or disbelief. I further wish that every human be able to look themselves in the mirror, look directly into their own eyes, and be able to say, “I am Christ” without flinching or shrinking for fear that a lightening bolt might strike us down. When we are able to do that, we will know that we have gotten The Message. Finally. Then we can actually get to the work of turning this thing around.

For those of you who are not Christian, simply replace “Christ” with the enlightened master of your own choosing. For those of you who are spiritual/not religious, simply replace “Christ” with “God” or “The All That Is.” For those of you who are atheist, simply replace “Christ” with “Everything.” It really matters not which direction you come from, as there is only one destination- and it is Oneness. We will arrive when we realize that is what we are. This, fellow humans that I love so much, is The Message. It is time for us to have the ears to hear. We cannot wait any longer. Our survival depends upon us getting it.

As I always do, I honor Christ on this celebration of his birth, for his daring attempt to deliver to us the most important Message of all time, whereby, yes, we will be delivered if only we can hear it. For those of you who celebrate the deliverance of The Message by one of the many others who have also attempted to deliver it, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays, and Seasons Greetings. Let’s celebrate the season together by doing our best to recognize and abide in who we truly are. What we need to do will become clear from there. Much Love to you all and Godspeed.

Cold

So I managed to pick up an upper respiratory infection while in NYC. I started getting horse while we were there and by Monday it had gone all phlegmy on me to the degree that it was clear I wasn’t going to skirt the issue. In spite of my best efforts to keep it at bay naturally (without drugs, unless of course you count the one hot toddy), by Friday it was clear that I was losing that battle. Of course it probably didn’t help that I decided to try to drown it at Shannon’s company Christmas Party on Thursday night- which I should probably not have been at in the first place- but I really, really, really wanted to go!

I somehow managed to conceal my cough while at the party, which must have given me just a wee bit too much confidence because that is when the experiment began. I had just finished a glass of wine when I spotted a bottle of what I thought to be whisky appear on the self-serve table. Keep in mind that I don’t drink all that much, and when I do it’s a lot for me to finish just one drink. Yet there I was thinking to myself, that’s exactly what I need! Even if it’s not hot, surely it will do the trick!! So I merrily made my way over and poured myself a shot (to sip). I didn’t bother to read what it actually was, nor am I versed enough in hard alcohol to know the difference between one thing and another.

So I happily sipped on that for the remainder of the party. It was when Shannon went to pour herself a shot that she noticed it was actually tequila! Who knew?! Clearly not me. Just for the record, it was actually brown, not clear. So, I am sure you are all wondering if tequila is a good replacement for a hot toddy. If my little unintentional experiment is any indication, I’ll have to report out that no, no it is not. Not that it gave me a hangover or anything, but let’s just say that on Friday I only got out of bed long enough to check to see where the closest walk-in clinic is in our area.

There is nothing like being sick to remind us of how dependent we are on the world, and in every way. For starters, our bodies carry us miraculously through this life. It is only when it breaks down in some way that we tend to notice. By Friday, my body had my full attention. I had worked through it the four previous days, but that was simply not an option by Friday. I’ve basically been in bed the last three days and am writing from bed now. I hear you body. I can’t do this without you. You need some rest. O.K.

Then there are the people who support us. Sure, I could have made the freshly squeezed orange juice myself, but I doubt I would have. Sure, I might have slept in a bit every day of my own accord, but I might not have without the reminder to take care of myself. Sure, I could have looked up the recipe for homemade cough syrup made of honey and essential oils and it would have been easy enough to mix it up, but I doubt that I would have. Sure, I could have changed the sheets on the bed, put eucalyptus in the diffuser, and trapped the dogs downstairs so that I could take a nap, but it is highly unlikely that I would have. Yes, I would have had to drive myself to the clinic and gone in to the drugstore to pick up my prescription, but I was super thankful that I didn’t have to. So huge thank you to Shannon for being such a nurturing, patient caretaker. She hasn’t gotten much sleep either.

Then there is medicine, be it natural or pharmaceutical, be it homeopathic or Western. I steer hard away from the latter, and could have rode this one out without it, but I didn’t quite have it in me. By Friday night I succumbed and took over the counter drugs. By Saturday I asked the nurse at the clinic for antibiotics. The interesting thing is that I had to ask for them. She indicated to me that “they” (the powers that be) are trying to limit the use of antibiotics. The new rule is that your phlegm has to have been every color of the rainbow for at least ten days in order for them to prescribe it. I didn’t qualify based on the fact that it had only been five days and it had just barely started to turn yellow. While I greatly value this newfound discretion, I knew that this thing was continuing to head south and I wasn’t willing to wait another five days to come back for the prescription, which she ultimately did prescribe.

This is one simple case in point of how rough our world transition is likely to be. On the one hand, I feel that we need to get better at homeopathic or natural solutions. I made the mistake of not drinking near enough water and didn’t get near enough rest. Yet that aside, the truth is that we have to be more patient. We have to be willing to ride it out longer to let our bodies do their thing. I, and we, mostly don’t have the time and the patience for that. Some shifting is going to need to occur on that front. It isn’t that I don’t think that there is a place for Western medicine and technology in general, but I am saying that we have gotten a bit too dependent and a bit too lazy on this front. I, clearly, am as guilty as the next. So it is important to keep experimenting and trying more natural ways of handling ourselves and our lives. Tequila, apparently, isn’t the answer.

Sickness aside, there are a couple of things that crossed my path during my time out that are more than worth sharing and which may shed some light on the larger context to which I am always referring. The first is a movie called “The Twelve” by the LeCiel Foundation, in which twelve indigenous Elders directly address the disconnect between our Western knowledge/technology/culture and what indigenous cultures know about the human connection to nature and what is needed to heal that connection. The movie is an hour and fifteen minutes. you can watch it at this link (scroll down to either download or stream): The Twelve.

The second is an article called “Embracing the Immaterial Universe” by Bruce Lipton, which in a fairly short read explains the disconnect between what science knows now versus the science that we continue to cling to. This, to me, is critical understanding to the shift in worldview that we are currently in need of. This article is a great primer.

Happy Path to Wellness!

Half Century

It’s hard when we are younger… anything younger than 50… to imagine actually being 50. And yet, after much anticipation, here I am. I don’t feel a day older than, let’s say, 25. Some would say I don’t look any older than that either, although the wrinkles around my eyes might suggest otherwise. I don’t mind one way or the other. I do appreciate that while I can’t for the life of me see anything up close, I feel the same physically as I did in my youth. I am grateful for that.

Luckily for me (one would never put it this way when one is 16), I have had a bum knee since I was 15 and it is no different today than it was back then. That means that when we traipse all over New York City for three days to celebrate my turning, the dang thing hurts. Yet because it’s nothing even remotely new and I got used to it a long time ago, I don’t in any way associate it with aging. Same thing with the physical challenges that come with PCOS. It’s nothing new. It has ebbed and flowed and manifested differently throughout time, but it just is what it is and I know now that the phase will change. It always does. One of the biggest benefits of age is being able to recognize that nothing lasts forever, just as one of the benefits of being young is believing that it does.

Another benefit of age, and I think particularly for women, is that we finally begin to step out of the bullshit and into our true selves… with authority! That’s good, because as I’ve mentioned before, we need a whole lot of feminine boss energy in the world right now. I got to catch up with four of my best female friends in NYC, all of whom are roughly the same age, and it made me happy to no end to experience the bossed-up women that they have grown into. Need a definition? Here goes from the urban dictionary:

 Boss-Up. Take ownership of ones life, by directing the full capacity of their time, resources, and attention toward a specific direction, goal, or intent.

Simply put, each shows up as who she authentically is. Each in her own way is flourishing, guiding, loving, and leading with uncompromised authority… because she’s been there, done that. Chausey, my oldest friend dating back to age 5, is a powerhouse of love and wisdom who is a master at nurturing the little self while reflecting the higher Self back to each and every person she meets. Mary, my best friend and partner in crime from college, is an unwavering creative genius who can’t help but manifest more laughter and love into the world. I perpetually can’t wait to see what she will put out there next. Krista, my best friend from graduate school, is rocking her life as an architect in NYC with no need for apologies or affirmation. She’s got it. Elise, my freshman year roommate in college, continues to live into her sheer genius as a writer of both words and now numbers (coding), all while mentoring youth into their potential. Not only that, but each one is a nurturing matriarch in her own right, be it to her own children, her nephews and nieces, or her aging mother. I’m lucky to have had each one, and so many others, as a friend for such a long time now. It’s my privilege and joy to be a witness to your lives.

That’s what 50 looks like. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed… particularly about our newfound impatience for disrespect and waiting and drama given that we could now keel over at any second! No time for that shit! I’m not so secretly excited to have reached this threshold, because now I can say “Don’t mess with me! I’m fifty!!” Oh and I have been. It makes people stop and actually listen. I’m gonna use this age thing for all it’s worth. Don’t look at me and treat me like some young thing with long, blonde hair. In the first place, I’m probably older than you, and in the second, I’m likely wiser. So move over. The Age of the Woman is here.

Now that we have established that, please allow me to utilize this momentous occasion to share a little feminine wisdom with you. I bring this to you via The Beautiful Project, which we were fortunate enough to see on it’s opening day at the Met. Shannon found out about it and we practically ran across Central Park, bum knee and all, before having to run back across Central Park to meet Elise for dinner… because we had to see this one exhibit. Here is the description of the project:

“At The Beautiful Project we train and support a collective of Black girls and women photographers, writers, scholars and artists in activist image making using photography and writing while centering our own care and advocating for the care of our sisters. Together, we engage our community, providing opportunities for further learning, gathering and sharing.”

It was well worth the run. The images and stories were powerful in and of their own right, but then their creed spoke to me at my very core. I had to take a picture so that I can keep it as a constant reminder. Sisters of all ages and colors, I share this gem with you care of our Black Sisters who are wise and beautiful like no other. I am so grateful to have experienced that wisdom and beauty first hand in my five years at Prairie View A&M. Thank you, Sisters, for the gift that you are to all of us. Power on. It’s your time. May we all follow your lead:

Thanks

No, really, thanks. Thank you for spending this past year with me and my blog. My very first post and leap into this adventure was on Thanksgiving weekend one year ago. My experience of it has been all over the place, just like life I suppose. I have found it helpful, terrifying, surprising, comical, joyful, real, and often just plain fun to write out loud how I am processing life. It’s a funny thing writing something and then sending it out into the universe with no idea who might end up reading it. While I know that I know some of you quite well, I know there are others who I do not know at all. Either way, I have no idea who has read my meanderings unless you happen to comment on it. And that’s fine. I trust that what I share and whoever it is shared with serves us both in mysterious ways, and I love that about it. At the same time I have received quite a few deeply heartfelt reflections back to me, both through virtual and real world comments, and those reflections have without a doubt kept me going and believing in working on connection in this way. So again, whoever and wherever you are, thank you for being here with me. I am happy that we are all in this thing called life together.

Speaking of thanks, here are a few other things I am thankful for. First off I have to say life in general. I honestly do love it. It’s not only the happy stuff I love either. I mean happy is great, but so too are sad, frustrated, angry, fired up, crushed, and beaten. True joy is found in those places every bit as much as it is found in happy, silly, carefree, light, laughing, and triumphant. My bitter is almost always served up with some sweets. I also tend to prefer my sweets be a little less sugary and a whole lot of authentic, deep flavor (think dark instead of milk chocolate). That’s life. It’s a wonderful adventure no matter what happens to be happening.

The next thing that I am thankful for, as if that last one didn’t cover the whole shindig, is people. As in humans, yourself included. We don’t suck, contrary to popular opinion. We are really quite beautiful things, lost as we may be. There is something in that lostness, in our vulnerability, that is endearing. I can hear the entire Universe sighing for us. It’s not because the All That Is feels sorry for us, it’s because the All That Is is particularly fond of us, to borrow a line out of the movie “The Shack” (which is a great one in case you have never seen it or read the book. And to be clear without giving too much away, the All That Is is particularly fond of absolutely everything in existence). I share that fondness, which is why I am pulling so hard for us. We are worth it. I believe there isn’t a thing in the Universe which wouldn’t prefer for us to stick around at least long enough to realize our full Selves.

Now for one last big thing that I am thankful for- Gaia. Mother Earth. Thank God she is so damn smart! More than smart, she is wise. More than wise, she is pure love. Make no mistake, she loves us. She wants us to stick around too. She enjoys our company. More to the point, we are an expression of her. In so many ways, what this moment is calling for is simply for us to realize that the world is not a hostile place after all. Gaia, and all that she entails, is not our enemy. To think so is akin to thinking that our body is our enemy. Of course many of us do think that. It’s not true. Our bodies are as wise and loving as the Mother Earth who birthed us, who nurtures us, of whom we are a part. If only we would lay down our swords so that we might see, and more than see- experience. We are here to be at home in the world. To be at home is to belong in the deepest sense. It is to be connected, integral, relevant, loved.

Now I would be remiss if I didn’t list a few specific things that I am grateful for, so here goes in short order. Shannon: for her bravery, persistence, willingness to do crazy things with me, authenticity, entertainment of most of my whims (while somewhat keeping me in check when I am overextending), sensitivity, dedication, depth, eagerness, and true love for all things (myself included, which she expresses by supporting me in becoming more of who I truly am in the world). Family: for perfectly delivering not only myself, but also the lessons I came to learn so that I might evolve. Houston: for the story we have been writing together… may it end, or not end, well. Vermont: for inviting me into your story… let’s make it a good one. Finnegan and Greta: for keeping me grounded in what matters… like when it’s time to eat, or give butt rubs, or get outside, or howl, or snuggle. Friends both old and new: for the laughter, the support, the sharing, the caring, the keeping it real, the pushing each other along, the pulling each other up, the honoring of connection. For anyone and everyone who has crossed my path: for the reflection… thanks for showing up.

Now for a couple of gifts to help you along your way. I just finished reading a new book called Spirit Hacking by Shaman Durek. I first came across Shaman Durek on a podcast somewhere, somehow this past spring. I found what he had to say to be spot on in a deeply insightful and frank sort of way that I appreciated. What I am talking about is a rare depth that comes from somebody who has been given behind the scenes (veil) access. The guy knows what he is talking about. So I was curious to see what he would say in book form. I was not disappointed. I would have everyone read it if I could. That said, know that it will likely challenge how you see the world. If you are sensitive to profanity, be warned that he speaks in a way meant to relate at a ground level and to a primarily younger generation. It’s worth putting up with if it bothers you. Again, his understanding of the situation is spot on. What’s really awesome is that he gives many “spirit hacks” to help each one of us show up to the situation at hand. I have already incorporated some of those hacks into my daily routine and plan to do more so.

One of the hacks that he gave reminded me of one that I shared with you all earlier this summer. I originally got this hack from Thich Nhat Hahn’s book Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child. In Thich Nhat Hahn’s version of this “hack,” we greet any tough emotion that shows up by name: “Hello, Anger. You are welcome here.” Then we invite wisdom (the higher Self) into the room: “Wisdom, please join us.” Then the three of us talk out the situation to better understand what it is really about and what it is showing up to help us with. Shaman Durek’s version of this hack is called “Responding with Love,” and he gives a slightly different version of essentially the same hack with some specifics about how to incorporate your body into the hack as well. The two versions together have given me a fuller picture of what the hack is about and how to best utilize it.

You might be wondering why it is called a “hack.” That doesn’t sound very gentle, does it? I assure that it is, in both cases. It’s called a hack because it is aimed at breaking us free from old, entrenched patterns that no longer serve us. Until we face these patterns and do the work required to shift gears (which takes many repetitions), they rule us. There is no way around this if healing is what we are after. There is furthermore no way to heal the planet until we heal ourselves. That is why I wholeheartedly recommend both books. Well, that, and I also happen to care about your own wellbeing. I want to see both you and me live into our full potential. That would be fun. Being stuck in survival mode is no fun. That is the equivalent of playing small, when we are much, much bigger than that. I would have us all experience our bigness.

Now for one last thanks. You may not be aware that Thich Nhat Hahn has retreated to Vietnam, his home country which he was exiled from, to transition out of this life. He is 93. Very soon he will move on from within the monastery where he first took his vows. There are so few elders in the world, at least relative to the number that we could use right about now. Thich Nhat Hahn has been one of those for a very long time now. He non-fought alongside Martin Luther King Jr. during the Civil Rights Movement as well as in opposition to the Vietnam War. He changed the way we understood Buddhism in this country by bringing it down to earth and into our everyday lives. If you have any sense about mindfulness in your life, that understanding can probably be traced back to Thich Nhat Hahn whether you realize it or not. So to Thich Nhat Hahn, thank you for your service. Thank you for being our teacher and for showing us the way. Thank you for leaving behind so many great resources to guide us through humanity’s great transition. What a blessing you have been. Thank you for showing us that each and every one of us is a blessing as well.