Debate

…or not. As in, no thank you. I have not and will not subject myself to what has devolved into bad reality TV. So if you were hoping for my take on it, my take is… don’t watch. But even if it hadn’t turned into something totally ridiculous, I still don’t think that debating has served us well as a…  I’m not sure I can call it a democratic society, but perhaps a society that aspires to be egalitarian at least in some way, or so we thought. Oh, snap. Now I’ve said something utterly sacrilegious. Here we go!

I’m not talking about the democratic part either. If you have yet to figure out that we do not live in a democracy, then you haven’t been listening to the Republicans. They are by no means hiding the fact. It’s right there in their name for crying out loud! Republicans are correct when they say that this country was founded as a republic, not a democracy. Incidentally, if you ever wondered why Republicans are called Republicans and Democrats are called Democrats, it’s because the former believe we should remain a republic and the latter believe we should become a democracy. It’s as simple as that. Ha! I was just being facetious in case you didn’t notice.

But I am not here to talk about whether or not we should be one or the other, not that I don’t have an opinion on that subject matter that you no doubt can guess. If you have never read the Federalist and Anti-Federalist papers or at least gone to see Hamilton, then I will direct you there to get clear on what each side was fighting for in the founding of this country. In the end they came up with something of a compromise, which is why it isn’t as simple as I joked above. But the sacrilegious thing that I want to talk about is the process of how the founding fathers came to their decision, the process upon which this country was founded – debate.

Now maybe some of you have been trained in the art of debate. Maybe you participated on the debate team of some institution of lower or higher learning. Maybe you even went through the holy grail of all debate education, law school. I did none of these things. Yet regardless, debate is baked into a liberal arts education. Trust me, it is, for all of you doubters who think that a liberal arts education is about becoming brain washed by liberals. It isn’t. Even as we debate what should and should not be respectfully allowed into our debates in such institutions, the process of learning is still very much based on debating the various ways of seeing an issue. 

The goal, of course, is to win the debate. That is to say, to prove that you are right and the other side is wrong. We practice this quite a lot at such places like my alma matter, Princeton, where large lecture courses are broken into small preceptorships of 10 or so people who meet once a week to, you guessed it- debate! Well, technically the term was “discuss.” But we all knew what that meant. Incidentally, I had the good fortune (sorry, I am particularly feisty these days) of ending up in a preceptorship for a course called American Political Thought with none other than my classmate Ted Cruz. Yes, yes I did. Ted, as you may or may not know, is a masterdebater. He’s a champ, actually, dating way back into his high school years, continuing through college, and right up into the holy grail of all holy grails, Harvard Law. Go, Ted. 

Or not. I never really understood what all of the hype was surrounding Ted’s debating skills, or anybody’s really for that matter. I am sorry all of you debaters out there. I just have to honestly say that I do not feel that this mode of communication is serving us well. In fact, I think it has a whole lot to do with what has led us to this complete, utter breakdown of communication that has us at an impasse that no amount of debating will ever get us out of. The only thing that it is going to get us into is an all-out war followed by extinction. Go, debaters. 

Not that I am immune from this disease. Yes, I just called debate a disease. I’m sorry. Those are fighting words, and I am finally, finally getting to this huge, critical, what I know will be a life-altering thing on my self-improvement, educational To Do List. I have started down the path of Nonviolent Communication (NVC for short). A couple of Marshall B. Rosenberg’s books just arrived a few days ago. Shannon and I each picked up one of the books and are in the process of swallowing them whole. If you have not studied or have never heard of NVC, please, please buy this book and/or sign up for an NVC course in your area:

Nonviolent Communication, Marshall B. Rosenberg

So while I am clearly no expert on this subject, I know enough to know that NVC can and should supplant debate as our process of decision making. Want to revolutionize education? Replace debate teams with NVC teams for starters. Why? Because debate emphasizes division and leads to either outright domination or life-numbing compromise, otherwise known as lose-lose decisions and outcomes. This country, for example, was founded on a compromise. We have always celebrated that fact and that process, until we finally got sick of it and decided that compromise is for the birds. And that much is true, metaphorically speaking- birds surely know better. Compromise sucks. Compromise, by definition, leads to devolution of the system. As in, it makes everything worse. 

The opposite of compromise is reconciliation. I’m sure I have talked about this before, but as a reminder, all decisions and hence actions are subject to the Law of Three. The Law of Three says that there is always an activating force and a restraining force at play in each and every decision. When those two forces move forward through a compromise, both sides lose, which is to say that neither one gets what they truly want. In NVC terms, each side has real needs and in the compromise nobody’s needs are met. Sound about right? When nobody’s needs are met, everything just gets worse. 

Reconciliation is the answer. Reconciliation of the activating and restraining forces causes the system and everyone in it to evolve. It does so because in reconciliation, everyone’s needs are met. They must be by definition. The solution, or strategy in NVC terms, must be a win-win. Let that sink in. Everybody must win. Does that sound like rocket science given the moment we are inhabiting? Don’t answer that. Just, please, please, PLEASE, go buy the book. No, scratch that. Let me practice a little NVC:

When we debate it makes me feel irritable, self-protective, self-righteous, and outright angry. What I need is connection, understanding, support, trust, empathy, emotional safety, and consideration. I further need the space to live into my own authenticity and autonomy. In short, I need to be surrounded by conditions that support my self-actualization so that I may give my gifts to the world, so that I might contribute to the actualization (evolution) of my ecosystem in a way that helps me to experience the connection that I needed in the first place (full circle). I need connection, people! Sorry, that last line wasn’t very NVC of me. 

Eh-hem. As I was saying, would you be willing to join me in studying and transitioning to Nonviolent Communication so that we might figure out a way of moving forward that will meet each of our needs in such a way that all of our lives are enriched and our most wonderful dreams come true? (Not being facetious, sincerely asking.) 

Redemption

The last few weeks have been an absolute roller coaster ride. In the midst of my impasse despair, the clouds parted as I delivered my webinar to the Vermont Green Building Network on Regenerative Design & Development. If you have been reading these pages for any amount of time, you will know that I believe that the root of our challenges lie in our worldview. If you would like to learn more about how I see that as well as what I think we need to do about it, I encourage you to watch the webinar. Here is the link:

Regenerative Design for Social-Ecological Evolution

This is a presentation that has been emerging out of me for some time now. I have given parts of it in previous speaking engagements, and have explored other parts through writing, teaching, and general engagement with the world. This is my gift to the world coming through. I was supposed to deliver this speech in person as the keynote for the VGBN Annual Gathering earlier this year. Then the pandemic hit. In the meantime I sat on it. I gave it space. I’ve had other things on my mind. I focused on writing my book(s), building our home, and staying as sane as possible. By the time I came back to it I had more clarity to offer. While this work will forever remain a work in progress (as am I), I know how critical it is to get the word out at this time. I hope you find time to watch it and I hope you find it helpful.

After I Zoomed the presentation from my studio classroom at Middlebury, I headed out to our house to help Shannon who had been building all day. As soon as I arrived she stopped what she was doing and asked how it went. She didn’t want a one word answer either. She wanted to know everything. She wanted the full play by play. So we sat down and I recounted what I had presented and every question that had been asked. When I was done she said, “You are glowing. I haven’t seen you this alive in awhile.” She was right. I felt the energy pulsing through me. I was vibrating at a very high frequency. 

Two days later RBG died. I immediately fell into a nose dive on hearing the news. The tears rolled. The panic set in. The hopelessness returned. Really? Really, God? You couldn’t help us out just a little here??? I know, I know, the pro-birthers are rejoicing. I just wish we actually were all truly pro-Life… as in we treated the entirety of Life- all humans inclusive of all genders, all races, all sexual orientations, all classes, etc. as well as every other species on the planet- as if all beings were truly Divine and were therefore to be cared for and revered as such. Instead we throw unsuspecting souls into our bullshit appropriated story of Darwin’s theory of evolution: “Survival of the Fittest.” (See my webinar for further explanation.) I’m sorry, but there is nothing whatsoever loving about this. And let me be clear: it’s bullshit. So until we are collectively prepared to properly care for the entirety of all of Life, then we have no business forcing a soul into existence through a particularly unprepared channel. To think that a soul has only one shot at life is, as I understand it, a complete misunderstanding of the infinite, eternal, mind-blowing nature of the Divine. That one was for you RBG. Rock on.

Then we had a visit from a neighbor who wanted to help us with our building project. I have to insert here that we have had an overwhelming show of support from our neighbors during this entire construction process. Whether it has been daily cheering by road or by boat or lending tools or lending time and effort or at least offering such things or just putting up with the daily noise and disruptions or even our port-a-potty, we have been so incredibly blessed by our neighbors. This easily could have been a different story. But this is how it has been and we are so grateful for it. It would not be an exaggeration to say that there have been some days when the support of our neighbors has been the only thing that has kept us going. So as I was saying, we had yet another neighbor, Dave, with nothing but time, relevant experience, a great attitude, and respect for our knowledge and abilities (no mansplaining) offer to help. Construction has been speeding up in part due to the additional help and in part due to our race against time!

Then one day about a week ago we got an unsuspecting visit from another neighbor- the guy across the street. His name just happens to be Guy, we soon learned. We had never met him before as he and his wife seem to keep to themselves and, well, he flies a different flag than the ones we had been looking for just weeks before. We had therefore kept our distance. I was working feverishly to stain and seal our loft floors before installation when I barely caught a glimpse of him our of my peripheral vision. It was the end of the day. He had walked down our driveway and was saying something. “Oh, I didn’t realize there were three of you over here. I’ll go get another beer.” Dave was there helping us that day. Guy placed a beer on the wall in front of me, handed one to Shannon, and headed back home to get one for Dave. 

Um, first of all, I think it took both Shannon and I a second to get over our shock. We caught our snap quickly, though, and told him he didn’t have to do that, but he insisted that he just lived right across the street. He came back shortly and handed Dave a beer. Then he said, “I am sorry that it has taken me so long to come over. I have been watching and I am just amazed by what you are doing. It’s going to be beautiful.” Wait. What? We asked him to stay and have a beer with us, but he said he doesn’t drink. We invited him to come up to see the second floor that we were working on, but he wasn’t into heights. So we just chatted from where we each stood. 

Guy explained that he was a Vietnam Vet and a retired police officer. He had been on the force in Rutland where he had become a Sergeant and then went on to train officers in the Academy. I can’t remember exactly how this conversation went down, but it became readily apparent that Guy was open and loving and more than willing to share his insights and experiences. More than anything he expressed his concerns with the way that policing had changed over the course of his life. We had a million and one questions, which Guy answered with grace. In short, he feels that policing is in need of a course correction. In fact, he became so at odds with the people he was tasked with training that he ultimately decided to get out of it. I asked him what he thought had changed.

Guy said the key is that policing used to be relational, as in officers developed relationships with the community and in particular with the people who found themselves on the wrong side of the law. Together they sought reasonable solutions that would lead to better life and community outcomes. Now, he says, people have become nothing more than objects or statistics. Officers, as a result, too often have no empathy with the people who they are dealing with. While he didn’t say this directly, he implied that they may as well be the “people” who they grew up shooting in video games. Guy thinks we are headed for civil war. You get the sense that he too is in a deep sense of despair about the loss of a country that he has fought for, even as he with clear vision understands that our reasons for fighting have been less than virtuous. 

We chatted with Guy for a good while. By the time he left Shannon and I both stood there staring at each other in complete disbelief. Guy flies the Thin Blue Line flag because he is a retired cop. At the same time, he knows as well or better than anyone that there is a serious problem with policing in this country. My sense is that he genuinely respects and loves all humans. My sense is that if we made him king for the day (or however long it took) he would fix policing. He would know exactly what to do. Guy is exactly the kind of guy who I want wearing a police uniform. Guy did way more than just give us three beers that day. He gave us the gift of hope, even as he has none left. He gave us the gift of replacing a neighbor who we were deeply fearful of with one we are so grateful to have and would love to get to know better. You see, that’s the ticket. It all comes down to relationship. Relationships are the key. Don’t take it from me. Take it from Guy. 

Impasse

Time for a little honesty. For weeks now I have been thinking that I need to address the social unrest of the summer directly through these pages. I haven’t until now because frankly I am struggling with a sense of despair that comes in waves. I first have to say that due to the fact that I taught at Prairie View A&M University for the prior six years, my reaction to yet another and another and another senseless killing of a Black person mirrors to a degree the reaction that I know many of my PVAMU students would have to those events. This is in no way to say that I will ever be inside of their experiences, it is simply to say that I can’t help but view these events through their lens as expressed through their own voices. Of course there is deep despair there, but the moment the “White Outrage” sets in what often bubbles up to the surface is “Give me a break.” As in, “Oh, NOW you are outraged?! Really??!!” And it isn’t because they don’t appreciate being seen, it’s just more than a little irritating when these things have been going on since practically the beginning of time… o.k., at least from the first inklings of Western patriarchal culture. And more importantly because these are still quite literally everyday events in their lives. Every day, all day.

I hope that us Whites finally get it this time. I’m not convinced that we will. Outrage has a tendency to run its course pretty quickly. Blacks know this. They’ve seen it all before. I remember once being surprised about the nonchalance of my students to this event or that. Take for instance the election of Donald Trump. I figured they would be mortified. But in fact what they were was generally indifferent. Don’t blame them. They have a legitimate reason to be so. History has told them that it really doesn’t matter who the President is. It is all the same to them. It had hardly even mattered that there had been a Black president, because systemic racism and implicit bias were still their everyday reality and they still had to fear for their lives. This isn’t to discount the historical significance of a Black breaking through the presidential boundary or of Obama’s legacy. Yet it is a legitimate question to ask if there has ever really been significant change on the racial front in this country. Slavery simply changes forms from physical to legal to mental to emotional, from possession to exclusion to incarceration, always becoming more sophisticated in the move from apparent and external to hidden and internal. 

So I wrestle with all of this, wondering what on earth I can really say. I get extraordinarily angry every time I see a Confederate flag. Really??! I live in Vermont. I live in rural Vermont, that is.  I have for some time now been considering starting a one woman organization entitled “Southern Woman Against the Misappropriation of the Confederate Flag.” I figure I’ll go around collecting flags: “Excuse me, but as a Southerner, I take great offense to you flying the flag of my homeland, which I am quite certain that you know nothing about. If you want to fly that flag, then you are going to have to sign up for my one year (or however long it takes) course on Southern history. In the meantime, hand it over. I’ll give the flag back to you to burn once you realize what an ignorant asshole you are being.” You see…I am angry. 

The annual arrival of Vice President Mike Pence to upset our little haven on Lake Hortonia for Labor Day Weekend didn’t help my cause. Our first impulse was… where can we get a flag???!!! Of course we weren’t talking about a Confederate flag. We were instantly in the market for rainbow and Black Lives Matter flags. Note to all: flags are very difficult to come by at the last minute in Vermont. We spent half an afternoon searching online and even asking to borrow from friends, all to no avail. It ruined our entire day. Pence’s presence ruined our entire weekend. If this sounds irrational to you, perhaps you don’t realize that Pence has a belief system and policy history that says that neither I or my wife should even exist, much less be married. Now how would you feel if somebody who believes that you shouldn’t exist and has used his political power to eradicate your existence showed up in your backyard? For me, beyond flag waving, I wanted to paddle my kayak over to his boat and chew him out upside down and sideways before telling him that he is no more welcome in my world than I am in his. Take that, asshole. You see… I am angry.

But I didn’t. I don’t generally do any of these things that flare up out of my anger. The thing is, I really don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to feel hopeless. I don’t want to be disgusted with humanity. I don’t want to get tense when confronted with viewpoints that I find reprehensible. I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t want to hate. I don’t want my day to be ruined every time I see you or your flag. I especially don’t want to live in the world that “othering” creates. No thank you. I don’t want to accidentally become “my enemy” in an effort to overcome “my enemy”. More than anything these days, I want no part of it. 

Yet the battle lines have been drawn. Seems the only thing left to do is to decide whether you believe this or that, and whether you want to live in this country or that. We have been here before as a country, not to mention throughout the history of humanity. For each side, always, it is unthinkable to go the route of the other. For me, even as a Southerner, I can in no way fathom the world that would have ensued if the South had won the Civil War. Of course if that had happened we would have ended up with two separate countries, and I would like to think that my family never would have immigrated from the north (the remaining United States) down to Houston (the Confederacy). Thankfully the South didn’t win, but has anything really changed? Just about anyone I talk to these days- on both sides of the proverbial aisle- feels that we are headed for another civil war. And it is even harder now because the divide is no longer territorial. It’s everywhere… even here in one of the most progressive states in the Union. 

So now what? Vote. Yes, for sure. But also realize that no matter who wins we will remain very much divided. The real question that we need to be asking ourselves is how do we heal the divide? It starts within. It starts by meeting our anger with love. This is hard work. The hardest. While I deeply respect fellow tiger Michelle Obama, I have to admit that I have a hard time swallowing her advice that “when they go low, we go high.” That just doesn’t seem to be working. But here is what I do know. If I confronted the Confederate flag wavers or Mike Pence or anybody else who sees things entirely different than I do with anger, it wouldn’t help one iota. In fact, all that does is entrench both sides in our own perspectives, our own fears, our own suffering… in short in everything that caused the divide in the first place. 

And yet, I know that somehow we must participate in bringing about the world that we envision. We must stand into and live into our higher potential if we hope to get there. But let’s keep this real. I am angry. Remember? When my anger is seething beneath the surface, what I am doing these days is noticing it. I acknowledge it. I witness it. In doing so, what comes into my awareness is that I do not really want to feel this way about humanity or about life. It’s painful to stay stuck in a place that is much less than Who We Really Are. After my tirade plays itself out in my head, I then ask myself how I could show up differently. I am a fighter, after all. I believe in fighting for our evolution and for the better world that we are capable of and that we deserve as Divine beings. 

But if all of our fighting just results in more fighting, then what? This is when I remember that there is a better way to fight. In fact, the only effective way to fight is not to fight at all. This is the ultimate goal of martial arts training, as represented by the high arts such as Tai Chi. Much more than non-violence, the secret to this higher wisdom is non-resistance. The best way to defend ourselves is to not defend ourselves at all. I know that sounds crazy. But the truth is that when we don’t give a punch a hard place to land, the punch can’t land. As a result, the puncher ends up throwing him or herself to the ground under the thrust of their own attack. The attack lands in its proper place… upon the attacker. Upon reflection of such a turn of events, the attacker must come to the proper conclusion: “I am only hurting myself.” 

This is in no way to suggest that this is easy. That is why they call it mastery. And as I’ve said before, we are a long way from mastery as a species. It is infinitely harder to apply to a collective situation. It is extraordinarily difficult when people are losing their lives to the people in power. I am not here to suggest that I have some magical or easy answer. I don’t. All I know is that somehow we each have to at least start to come to the realization that when we judge, hate, slight, oppress, attack, slander, exclude, or in any way diminish an “other” as if they were anything less than God, we are only hurting ourselves. Keep it up and we may well witness the Fall of Rome. Then again, the old story has to die in order for a new one to be born. Here’s hoping that our next story recognizes the Divine in each and every human being, in each and every species, and indeed in all things in existence or not.