Have you ever noticed that when you are focused on something, everything that flies across your radar seems to reflect that something? More on that another time. I was just saying something about arbitrary boundaries and then my good friend Amanda shared this post from Green Renaissance (who look to be doing amazing work):
“Life is not in a box. There’s no rules. It’s what you make with life.” – Elrieda Pillmann.
Then there was this gem shared by Jayna Hefford during her recent induction speech into the Hockey Hall of Fame. At one point she directly addressed her kids, who are too young to comprehend the magnitude of the moment, with “I want you to know that there are no rules for your journey.” She goes on to say that she will support them in whatever their passions are. Can you imagine if we actually said that to all of our kids? And meant it?? What if we said that to ourselves?
The rule when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s was that girls don’t play ice hockey. In fact, in the South (Houston) I am not sure it was considered polite for girls to be playing team sports of any sort. That was a hard reality for this typical tomboy, the only girl on the block that the boys allowed to play in (dis)organized sports including tackle football. And I held my own.
I come from a skating family (not from the South!)- my dad grew up playing hockey and my mom grew up figure skating. You can guess which one I was supposed to pursue. To this end, I was on the ice before I can even remember being on the ice (age 2ish). Looking back on it now, I think we would have to declare that the rule that girls don’t play hockey was- there is no polite way to put this- a dumb rule. Girls actually excel at the sport, as Hefford’s induction into the Hall of Fame lends testament to.
So the question is, why do we follow dumb rules? I think my parents instinctively knew that it was a dumb rule for me… that maybe they should let me play hockey. They would never have put equipment on me and a stick in my hands if that had not been the case. But they did just that when I was little. It was only when I got old enough for organized play that the answer came back as a hard no. Don’t blame them. We all do it. We all give into dumb rules even when our best instincts are telling us otherwise. It’s just easier to not fight the world. At least seemingly…
But fortunately our passions have a mind of their own. We can only hold them back for so long. You may be able to make it through an entire lifetime holding them back, but they’ll break through in the next one, or the next one after that, or eventually anyway. I was lucky. I didn’t have to wait that long. My little hockey passion had no patience. By age 18 it kicked that “no” to the curb as I walked onto the women’s varsity team at Princeton. Not only did I end up getting to play, but I excelled. It was a minor miracle. But then again, that’s just Passion’s M.O.
But back to my question. Why do we follow dumb rules? Why do we bury our own inner voices and instincts and buy into the status quo? In the end I suppose it doesn’t really matter… our passions will ultimately get the best of us anyway. But the inevitability of that just makes following dumb rules all the more… dumb. So why wait? It’s pointless. Just let your passions have their way with you. You’ll be happy you did.
Now for one more question. I am curious to know. What dumb rules are you noticing in your life right now? Please respond in the comments below. Let’s get them all out on the table!
For me, I am so structured, I think the dumb rules are the the way “it is” and it doesn’t even dawn on me that they can be changed. That’s why I need your new blog!
And you see… this is exactly why I absolutely adore you! You just made my point a million times better than I ever could and in a way that only you can. We all do that exact thing, you know. We’re in this together. And I also happen to think that you are rocking it! And I also have to say that it has been way too long since we have had our Nancy fix!
Well, having OCD is basically a life structured by dumb rules! It has been liberating leaving most of them behind and choosing the ones I want to keep. The ones I have chosen to keep are for the most part ones that I find fun and, at least I think, harmless to my well being (next time I visit I can teach you the “sock game” of folding laundry 🙂 ). However, there is one dumb rule that plagues me: don’t speak unless spoken to. I know this is so old school! I don’t even know how I adopted it- it’s not like it was something at all present in my family. It definitely impacts my ability to make connections with people. It has been quite challenging…well challenging it! Work in progress 🙂
I can relate to this one in the sense that I tend to be very much in control of what I let come out of my mouth (unless I’m not ;-). It’s just another way of not really speaking freely, of not being vulnerable. I often wonder what would happen if I just went to the other extreme and adopted diarrhea of the mouth! Just thinking about that feels dangerous, right??? My gut reaction is that, oh, everyone would reject me for sure. But here is one for you. I have alternatively noticed that I attach much more importance to my words than maybe some other people do to theirs. What that boils down to is that I attach too much meaning to what other people are saying. I think they are like me and were very careful in their choice of words, when in fact they may have just been shooting the shit (and not really meaning any of it) or letting a fleeting thought go (that doesn’t reflect what they think most of the time). It’s tricky. But I think for people like you and me we might consider living a little bit dangerously on the communication front and just see how it works out, rather than just assuming the worst. We might even go so far as trying to not be so attached to our words. Granted, I wouldn’t say this to everyone. There are of course those who might really want to consider their words more carefully. You and I are at the opposite extreme of that though.