This is going to be a round about story about the newest addition to our extended family, Sophie. She was our Christmas present to our nephew. But before I get to all of that, because of course I am sharing it because it speaks something about my own journey, first a little about my journey. That’s right, you have to read to the end to get the cute puppy story!
But before I get to to my journey even, I have a little gift for you all. This is a link to a free screening of a documentary on the Gaia channel called E-Motion. The link will be good for only 24 hours. If you have some downtime today it is worth your time. If you miss this window, then you can watch it with a trial membership of the channel for only 99 cents.
https://give.gaia.com/cjql358lt00gi01o9auct8x4z
The documentary is about how negative emotions get trapped in our physical beings and is then manifest in other ways including physical illness. A handful of practitioners working through different modalities give tips on how to release negative emotions from the subconscious and physical body. The end game is to manifest from love rather than fear, which opens us up into an expansive state of being. If you are already working toward this end, this may be a good reminder with some new tools which you may find helpful. If this is new to you, I encourage you to just make some space for considering it. Maybe try out some of the tools and see for yourself. Always come to your own conclusion.
Personally, several of the tools resonated with me (as they also did with my wife Shannon and my sister-in-law Amy). I’m going to talk about just one simple tool today, which has to do with bringing fear to consciousness. The tool is a simple statement:
“If I were not afraid, I would ________________________________.”
Fill in the blank. You might recognize this as an alternative form of the question “What would I do if I knew I could not fail?” I like this statement form better for one main reason. It puts the main issue front and center- fear. Whatever it is that we would do if we knew we could not fail, we are not doing precisely because we are afraid. Let’s name the culprit. Failure isn’t the problem. Fear is. Failure is a perfectly o.k. and positive role player in the pursuit of our expansiveness. How about we stop dodging it? How about we just confront our fears head on? That is what this open ended statement is asking us to do.
So when I contemplated filling in the blank this week, I at first found myself, well… blank. Now I have a lot of explaining to do! I was seriously blank for a few minutes. When I searched my surface life for how fear is holding me back, I didn’t find much. But I need to tell you that I by no means came to this seemingly fearless moment easily. This moment has been a good fifteen years in the making. During that time, I have pushed through fears that no longer dominate me.
It started fifteen years ago with the realization that my relationship with my first partner was not serving either one of us. This was a stark realization in the midst of a worldview that told me that this was my one partner, for life. If suddenly my worldview was incorrect, then what would stop the entire world from turning upside down? If I left, what would happen to my kids? What would happen to my partner? What would happen to me? That’s the order of importance that I processed that decision with. Incidentally, that is probably why it took me three years to ultimately face my fear. The only thing that saved me from my fear was the realization that if I truly cared about what would happen to my kids, then I needed to model for them what I would want them to do if they ever found themselves in a similar situation. I left.
That made it all sound a little too easy. It wasn’t. It was excruciating. But we all got through it. Not without scars, mind you, but at least it opened up the opportunity for each one of us to face our fears and better live into our true Selves. I could be wrong, but I think that facing that fear will remain the hardest one I will ever face in this lifetime. This is in part because the first time tends to be the hardest. It gets easier.
Flash forward five years and I found myself at the same job that I had been at since grad school. Fifteen years into the same job I was comfortable, secure. I had long since stopped having to prove myself. I had autonomy. I had respect. I got to pursue my own interests. I was well paid. I was on the verge of being made a partner for crying out loud! And yet… it was too easy. That’s just a nice way of saying that my job was smaller than what I was vocationally being called to. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. It wasn’t the fault of the firm. It wasn’t my fault. It was just the reality seeping up from the murmurings of my soul. What was more was that my soul was implying that working for any firm was going to be too small for me. Nothing less than starting my own would do.
As hard as leaving my first partner was, I would be lying to you if I told you that facing my fear of leaving a secure job was suddenly a piece of cake. It wasn’t. This fear tapped deeply into my survival instincts. How would I support myself? How would I support my new partner (now my wife)? We could lose the house, the car, the shirts off of our backs! We might starve!! But what I will tell you is that if I hadn’t already faced the fear of leaving my first partner, then I would likely not have had enough gumption to face leaving my job. I now saw the fear clearly for what it was, and that enabled me to dialogue with it. I got myself through it by journaling on a daily basis. The journaling revealed a fierce internal battle that ultimately kept my ego in check. It didn’t make the fear go away, but it did keep me moving forward. I left.
And you know what? The Universe has supported my every step since. Not only have we not lost the house, but we have gained two more beautiful, soul-healing homes in Vermont! That’s a story in itself which I’ll leave for another time. For now, suffice it to say that not only in starting my own firm, but also in just being open to any opportunity that might prove a vehicle for my soul’s purpose, I can unequivocally say that for the past seven years I have been doing exactly what I am meant to be doing in the world. I do not want to understate the openness part of this equation. That is what ultimately led me back into academia, such that I now have not only one, but two vocational vehicles to offer my unique gifts to the world. And I in no way feel stuck. New opportunities are right around the corner and I have no problem, no fear, in making space for them.
So that was my knee jerk reaction as I attempted to fill in the blank. Fear? What fear?! Yet I know better than that too. I just need to look deeper now. It’s there. And it has been nagging at me just the same. I am standing at the walls of my fortress with that old familiar feeling… this place is too small for me. That’s what this whole blog is about, right? In many ways it is akin to the intense journaling that helped me leave my job. Now I just have to do that journaling publicly. Yikes. But again, having faced those more outward manifestations of my fear has prepared me well for this moment. That is how the world serves as our friend. It gives us a way in by first making it apparent on the apparent outside. Start with whatever it reflects back to you, whatever fear it invokes in you. Face it.
This is how I ended up filling in the blank: “If I were not afraid, I would give love freely.” Or alternatively, “If I were not afraid, I would take down my walls.” Outwardly it might look like this, “If I were not afraid, I would cry unabashedly and uncontrollably out loud to another human being.” Or to the point, “If I were not afraid, I would not perceive myself as a separate being that needs to be defended in the first place.” So this is the fear that I now face.
I didn’t even see what Shannon was yelling at me to stop for. Of course I knew it was an animal of some sort. I dutifully pulled over. Shannon hopped out not knowing if she would be able to get the dog to trust her. No sooner had she stepped out of the car and Sophie, a Boxer puppy, was jumping on her. But only momentarily. She saw the open car door behind Shannon and immediately jumped in to the front passenger seat. Well that was that. Sophie, with zero hesitation whatsoever, had decided she was at home with us (no owner was to be found). Actually, I think it is more accurate to say that she never even considered that we were in any way separate beings in the first place. No separation, no fear. Also… zero sense of personal space! Sophie has no qualms with just plopping herself down on you regardless of where you are or what you are doing. Sitting, sleeping, standing, walking- doesn’t matter. Sophie wants to be physically connected. Get annoyed and admonish her- doesn’t matter. She keeps right on as if you are being silly in your desire for separation. That’s just the way she sees it. Be like Sophie. Metaphorically speaking anyway. A healthy dash of respect for personal space is in order!
Last thought for the day. If you need a dose of courage or just a big, huge smile on your face, go see Mary Poppins Returns. I’ll leave you with this:
“After all, you can’t lose what you never lost.” – Mary Poppins