Friendship Guide (for starters)

I once wrote a three page guide on the secret of mastering goaltending. I have coached a lot of goalies in my life, having given out bits and pieces of insights along the way, but the guide in its totality was written for one goalie in particular who I felt was ready to absorb it. She treasures it to this day. In fact she just texted me as she was cleaning out her file cabinet to tell me that her copy, which looks pristine, would always remain with her. It’s funny how life works, as I’ve mentioned. Before she sent this text, I was planning to reread this little guide myself in prep for this week’s post.

My reason for revisiting it is because said goalie, who is now a dear friend if not part of the family, asked (or should I say challenged) me weeks ago to write a similar guide on the art of making friends. First off, let me just say that if this isn’t a case of the blind leading the blind, I don’t know what is! Understand that this is one pure introvert asking another pure introvert how to connect with other people. As if! So this request has been swirling around in the back of my head and I decided it was time to start moving it forward. Having reread my secret guide on goaltending (it is indeed secret because she and I are the only two who have a copy), what I am realizing is that writing such a guide would in fact be the guide for this thing that I am calling interbeing. Here’s the bad news… I am not ready to write that yet.

But here’s the good news! I am ready to start thinking through that out loud and I am thinking that this might be quite comical. This is definitely going to be from an introverted perspective, however I do think it might also prove useful to you non-introverted types. Let’s face it, making friends in our adult lives is not the easiest thing to do in our hustle, bustle culture. So without further ado, here are the observations I can offer on friendship based on whatever experience I may have:

1. When that person who grew up around the corner from you when you were little, you know the one you were pretty much inseparable from in the summer in your early years; who also happened to be one of your early gymnastics teammates; the one who you went to school with from elementary through high school; the one who became popular early on while you became, well, sort of geeky; the one who nevertheless you were still involved in a lot of activities at school with even though, let’s face it, you had no social life outside of school because you were, um, geeky; the one who not surprisingly headed to the west coast when you headed to the east coast for college and you were like, well, I hope she has a great life because no doubt we will never cross paths again; yeah, that one. When sometime in your mid to late 40’s she should send you a FB friend request and you are like, oh hell no, I have a policy of no high school friends other than my best friend because, let’s be real, what would my grown-up, gay, liberal self have in common with my white, upper middle class high school friends from Texas? When that request comes in… say yes. Much to your surprise, you have a worldview in common. And even more than that, you’re pretty sure she has grown up to become one of the most insightful, wise, and loving people on the planet. And what’s really cool is that you’ve known each other since the beginning of time. There is something super special about that.
2. When your best friend from middle school through high school, you know the one who you created your own little bubble with from whence you made snarky observations about the trials and tribulations of teenage drama, only to then lose that connection when you went your separate ways for college. When she sends you a FB request in your late 30’s ish, and you are like, hmmm… this is a tough one because when I begrudgingly joined FB it was with a hard and fast rule that I would not friend anyone prior to college. When that request comes in… say, yes. Say yes even though saying yes will lead to the scenario mentioned above, and then everybody else ultimately finding you too. Of course proceed to give her hell that it is all her fault for opening a can of worms that has exposed you to everybody, even though you are secretly grateful for it. She’ll understand because she always understood that it was kind of her role to draw you out. So when said friend texts you two hours before your 30th high school reunion and spontaneously wants to go even though neither of you has been to any high school reunion, and you are like, oh hell no…. say yes. And then proceed to make your wife go with you, because what could be more fun than showing up with your wife? (She was a good sport.) And while you are there, give people a chance. Some of it will seem as you expected, but there will be moments that surprise you. Notice those. And then at least consider following up with those people.
3. Let people grow up. While this obviously applies to people who are of your own age as highlighted above, what I want to talk about specifically here is allowing people who you once had some form of authoritative relationship with (parent/child, teacher/student, coach/player, etc.) grow up. They do. My M.O. has been to give it some time- a few years maybe- for them to establish their own footing without me. Then I will, ultimately, re-establish the relationship on equal footing. Adulthood is long. Many of my closest friends are not of my generation, both up and down. Said goalie who has brought you this post is just such a case.
4. When you sign up for a conference with the specific goal of making new connections with people who share your interests, notice the woman who turns around to talk to you about your presentation later in the day. When this woman just happens to be making her way to the hotel lobby to go to the conference dinner and asks you if you want to share a cab with her and another woman you met earlier in the day…. say yes. Say yes even though you were planning to brave the Barcelona metro by yourself for the first time, because we both know that you procrastinated in your room a little too long dreading having to go to this thing and be social even though that was your whole reason for being there! Say yes because even though you now have to talk to two people you barely know all the way across town, you now don’t have to show up to the dinner by yourself and face that awkward moment of figuring out what table to sit at. While you are in the taxi, be sincerely open and engaged in the conversation. Show up openly and authentically. Be curious about who these two women are. They just happen to be really, really cool people. You just won the lottery. This doesn’t happen often in life (although maybe it could…), but you may well have just picked up not only steadfast companions for the rest of the conference, but also potentially for the rest of your life. Establish communication when you get home and make a concerted effort to stay in touch.
5. Don’t believe the hype about not making friends with your coworkers. Go ahead… befriend them. That person that you walked with to Starbucks every day (o.k., twice a day) will remain your friend even after you both move on. That gay boy who was out with you will remain your friend even after you both move on. Heck, even your old boss may become and remain one of your close friends. True stories.
6. When your best friend, or teammate, or any friend from college calls and asks for your help in a crisis moment (or maybe doesn’t call but you know he/she is in a crisis moment), even though you may not have a ton of money or time or wherewithal or whatever…. say yes. Drop whatever you are doing and then take planes, trains, and automobiles to get to them. These special people came of age with you and therefore know you in a way that people from other times of your life do not. They are irreplaceable. Even if you don’t talk all the time or see each other every year, make sure you have a finger on the pulse. Go to your major reunions. Hell, if they weren’t in your class, go to their major reunions. Keep them close.
7. When a seemingly bat-shit crazy extrovert from hell woman busts into your house, traipses through your bedroom to your private study where you are minding your own beeswax just trying to get some work done (well let’s be honest- basically hiding from the parent of one of your kid’s friends because it wasn’t so safe being out at that time), and then sticks her hand out and asks if you are the partner, even though this is one of those complete deer in headlight moments… say yes. This crazy extrovert from hell is going to be your best friend for the next twenty years and beyond. You are going to see each other through it all. You are going to hold each other accountable. You are going to help each other to be more of who you are in the world. As scary as it may be, let her in.
8. Last, and most importantly, know that however somebody came to be your friend, he/she is precious beyond words. Take care of these relationships like they are the most valuable thing in your life. They are. As you can see from the above, making friends is only half of the trick. Keeping them is the harder part. We are all challenged on this front for innumerous reasons. The easy part is to simply make it a priority. Did I say this was easy??? It’s not so easy given the pressures of our everyday lives. Do it anyway. The hard part is to hold on when the going gets tough, as it will for anybody who makes it into your inner circle where our shadows hide. When this happens, care enough to examine your own shadows and do the work to bring it to the light. This is the most sacred work of friendship. Without the reflection that our closest relationships offer us, our shadows easily remain in hiding and run the show from behind the scenes. So next time you find yourself triggered, take some space to be grateful for the person who helped bring your shadow to the surface. With any sort of hope, he/she will be doing the same.

I am fortunate that I have many more stories than the ones I have shared here. To all of my friends out there, maybe I haven’t told you or told you lately, but I am forever grateful for your presence in my life. To all of my future friends, I am looking forward to meeting you. Even though I’ll likely have some harebrained, reflexive reason for saying no… I’ll do my best to remember to say yes!