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What She Said.

No, really. What she said. This 15 year old Swede, that is. Meet Greta:

“So we can no longer save the world by playing by the rules, because the rules have to be changed.” 

Well it was my intention to gently walk myself, holding all of your hands, up to the edge of the water and slowly ease our way in one toe at a time. But Greta says we don’t have time for that. And the truth is, she’s right. So better we just all take the leap on the count of three. Ready? (Or not…………….. 3…………………..2………………….One.

If only it were that easy. Actually, one day it will be. This will feel like one  massive, impossible struggle until one day- splash, everyone’s in and the rules have changed. But until then here is what I intend to do. I intend to look at all of my worn out rules through my own personal life and see if I might bend them or upend them altogether. You are welcome to join me at any time.

Here goes. The list of (my) rules (at least the start of it with others to be determined along the way): 

  1. Don’t make a mistake (your survival depends on it). I could have just summed them all up with this one, but instead let’s just call it the grand daddy of them all. I tend to think most people figure out quickly that this one deserves to be thrown out. I’m a slow learner  on this front, probably in part because I tend to succeed at things that I put my mind to. Remember that goody two shoes I was telling you about? That’s the result of a great deal of self-control. The important thing I have come to understand is that self-control and self-actualization are not the same thing. In fact, the former can stunt the latter if it is allowed to lead the show. Let self-actualization run the show. 
  2. Think (long and hard) before you speak (such that it is likely you won’t ever say a word). Weren’t you taught that? Not to brag or anything, but I am pretty damn good at this one. The unfortunate thing here is that a whole lot does in fact go unsaid. I also find that it breeds a bit of an over-attachment to words. Now I know it is easy to argue the other side of this. Words have power, and we should therefore use them wisely. But I think it is o.k. to think out loud. This allows other people into your process. It allows us to release thoughts that no longer serve. Lastly, it gives other people more room to move too.
  3. Don’t say something wrong (see #2). Well you know what, if you give up some of that self-control you are bound to say something “wrong.” Of course even with the self-control it is inevitable. Again, how about we give ourselves and each other a little more room to breathe. We can’t expand our edges if we aren’t allowed to explore them.
  4. Don’t do something wrong (in other words, be perfect). You might guess I get an “A” here too. I think a better idea is to just show up authentically and with self-awareness. When you end up doing the wrong thing (again, inevitable), just own it and  move on.
  5. Don’t fail (at all costs, no matter how long it takes). Ah, yes, the don’t tell me something is impossible rule. This one for me isn’t about never failing (I’ve done my fair share of that), it’s about succeeding in the end. Seems good, right? Yet there can be a dog headedness here that can end up being more about ego than about self-actualization. Sometimes the failure is the lesson and then you can move on to something else. The alternative is: embrace failure. I am having to do some really hard work on this one!
  6. Know the answer. (If you don’t know the answer, figure it out quickly. Your survival depends on it.) I can hear you, people! O.K., I admit it. I can be a bit of a know-it-all. But for those of you who don’t know me that well, this deserves clarification. My brand of knowing isn’t really ego based, nor is it unconscious. It has more to do with the blessing (curse) of a highly analytical mind in combination with a sincere intent of putting it in the service of a higher purpose. Doing this has led me to be highly competent in multiple arenas. There are some arenas in which I might be considered an “expert” (professionally speaking). Yet all that knowing has led me to understand that wisdom isn’t found in the knowing, it is found in the not knowing. Some call this beginners mind. While I have understood this for some time, that unruly mind of mine still needs some training! Oh, and professionally speaking, in the work that I do (which revolves around catalyzing the potential of others) it is actually critical that I release all of my expertness in order to do that effectively.
  7. Work hard. (Your survival depends on it.) Again, I tend to think most people have this one figured out. I have been more than a bit remedial in the life balancing act. All I am going to say on this front is thank you, Shannon, for your patience. I hope to some day be as good at playing as I am at working. That is because I understand how critical play is for the soul. 
  8. Don’t cry (or show your emotions generally). I would like to think that most people understand that this one sucks. Just please, don’t follow it. Don’t follow it yourself, don’t ask your family to follow it, and for crying out loud don’t ask your kids to follow it. Just don’t. Cry. Cry out loud. Be a sloppy, emotional mess. And don’t apologize for it- to anyone. Let’s get over being afraid of our emotions. How else are we supposed to develop emotional intelligence, empathy, and the deep connection to our innermost selves?… all of which are required for us to overcome our state of separation.
  9. Put others first. Again, I think we have generally seen through this one, but old habits die hard. And it’s hard for any caring, empathetic person to include him or herself as a primary quotient in the equation. Yet we must. There is a much larger discussion to be had here surrounding self and others which I am going to leave for later. For now, I’ll just go back to the simple wisdom of this: “put on your own oxygen mask first.”
  10. Do no harm. Now really, come on?! What could possible be “wrong” with this one??? Some might even equate it with a variation on the Golden Rule. But it’s not. It’s off in a significant way. You ready for this? The issue is that it is a negative statement. To “do no harm” is in essence an attempt to negate your very presence. But your presence is divine in nature! You are meant to be here. You are meant to have an impact. You and me, being humans, will invariably do harm whether we intend to or not (often it happens when we just aren’t paying attention). To try to correct this situation by moving oh so carefully, quietly, tiptoeing so as not to disturb anything is preposterous! Worst of all, it negates the gift of our presence. The better idea here is to “play a value-adding role.” Have an impact! Make a splash! Just pay attention to whether or not things are elolving or devolving as a result of your words and actions. Then make any necessary adjustments. And… don’t fret the mistakes.

I’m boarding a plane to Barcelona now. More on this and the above soon!

Unboxed

Have you ever noticed that when you are focused on something, everything that flies across your radar seems to reflect that something? More on that another time. I was just saying something about arbitrary boundaries and then my good friend Amanda shared this post from Green Renaissance (who look to be doing amazing work):

“Life is not in a box. There’s no rules. It’s what you make with life.” – Elrieda Pillmann.

Then there was this gem shared by Jayna Hefford during her recent induction speech into the Hockey Hall of Fame. At one point she directly addressed her kids, who are too young to comprehend the magnitude of the moment, with  “I want you to know that there are no rules for your journey.” She goes on to say that she will support them in whatever their passions are. Can you imagine if we actually said that to all of our kids? And meant it?? What if we said that to ourselves?

The rule when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s was that girls don’t play ice hockey. In fact, in the South (Houston) I am not sure it was considered polite for girls to be playing team sports of any sort. That was a hard reality for this typical tomboy, the only girl on the block that the boys allowed to play in (dis)organized sports including tackle football. And I held my own.

I come from a skating family (not from the South!)- my dad grew up playing hockey and my mom grew up figure skating. You can guess which one I was supposed to pursue. To this end, I was on the ice before I can even remember being on the ice (age 2ish). Looking back on it now, I think we would have to declare that the rule that girls don’t play hockey was- there is no polite way to put this- a dumb rule. Girls actually excel at the sport, as Hefford’s induction into the Hall of Fame lends testament to. 

So the question is, why do we follow dumb rules? I think my parents instinctively knew that it was a dumb rule for me… that maybe they should let me play hockey. They would never have put equipment on me and a stick in my hands if that had not been the case. But they did just that when I was little. It was only when I got old enough for organized play that the answer came back as a hard no. Don’t blame them. We all do it. We all give into dumb rules even when our best instincts are telling us otherwise. It’s just easier to not fight the world. At least seemingly… 

But fortunately our passions have a mind of their own. We can only hold them back for so long. You may be able to make it through an entire lifetime holding them back, but they’ll break through in the next one, or the next one after that, or eventually anyway. I was lucky. I didn’t have to wait that long. My little hockey passion had no patience. By age 18 it kicked that “no” to the curb as I walked onto the women’s varsity team at Princeton. Not only did I end up getting to play, but I excelled. It was a minor miracle. But then again, that’s just Passion’s M.O. 

But back to my question. Why do we follow dumb rules? Why do we bury our own inner voices and instincts and buy into the status quo? In the end I suppose it doesn’t really matter… our passions will ultimately get the best of us anyway. But the inevitability of that just makes following dumb rules all the more… dumb. So why wait? It’s pointless. Just let your passions have their way with you. You’ll be happy you did. 

Now for one more question. I am curious to know. What dumb rules are you noticing in your life right now? Please respond in the comments below. Let’s get them all out on the table!

Scratch That!

Did I say I wanted to outdo myself in that last post? NO!!!!!! Delete, delete, delete! Granted, that is basically what I have been doing for 49 years now (as of next Tuesday… hint, hint), but enough is enough! Don’t you think? So this is a new one for me. I’m trying to turn over a new leaf here. That was a slip of the tongue. What can I say, old habits die hard.

What I meant to say was that I want to outbe myself. Being the greatest version of myself has little, if anything, to do with doing. It has nothing to do with accomplishments. It has nothing to do with achieving. Been there, done that. Not that I regret a moment of it. I think we kind of have to expend ourselves in order to fully realize our selves. Not to mention, truth be told, it’s been fun!

Seems we spend much of our lives working hard to lock in our identities. It’s a deeply human survival technique. You want to know who I am? Check the records. I’m legit. The records say so. Just look at my credentials. I have so many initials after my name that I have had to edit them! Ridiculous. You want to know what my records will show you? That I am a hopeless overachiever!

You want to know who I am? For that, you’ll have to get to know me. As in personally… through relationship. Now as you may have caught on by now, I am not easy to get to know. You’ve got to have some serious special agent tactical skills to navigate my defense mechanisms. I mean, come on, I AM an architect. I’ve got a well-designed (misguided as it may be) fortress inside! Expect a few bumps and bruises along the way.

Not that I am discouraging you. But how about this instead? How about I just make it easy on you? How about I just come out to play? That leads me to the first half of my new favorite word: outbe. In essence, outbeing is like coming out of the closet. Only in this case it’s a fortress, not a closet. Hello World, here I am! Here I am in all of my messy humanity. That’s the out part.

The be part is, well, gargantuan. That’s because when we really start to look at it, there is truly no limit to being. Oh sure, we draw boundaries around our being left, right, and center. But we are just making them up. When I say I want to be a better version of myself, what I am really saying is that I want to let down some of my arbitrary boundaries so that I can live into the much bigger Being that I Am. Put the two together, outbe, and what I am suggesting is stepping out into the light, outside of old, tired boundaries that no longer serve.

Go for it! I double dog dare you! Outbe yourself. 

Goat!

Well that’s what she yelled as she sauntered by. “Shelly, you are a GOAT!” The very first thing that crossed my mind was, oh my God, did I forget to shave today?? Full disclosure… I have a goatee. Yep, sure do. See I was diagnosed with a “hormone imbalance” back when I was a teenager. I got tired of fighting it with drugs (by my early 20’s) and with various hair removal treatments (by my early 30’s) and never looked back. I decided that my hormones were perfectly balanced for me. That meant that I ultimately had to start shaving my chin. One of these days I am going to grow it out for all to see. Of course that will likely coincide with me retreating to our mountaintop tiny home, so maybe nobody will actually see me. But then again, maybe I’ll become known as the wise old mountain goat!

But that wasn’t what she was talking about, and really I knew that. I am an architect and a professor of architecture at a historically black university. The she in this tale is Nakia, one of my students. As she passed by I was discussing a detail with Shannon (my wife, a builder and our design-build specialist) and Rodrigo (another of my students) on the design-build project that my studio is working on. I looked at Shannon quizzically to see if she knew what she meant. Blank stare. I turned to Rodrigo for help. He shrugged. So I yelled after Nakia, “What does than mean?!” I had to know. 

“The Greatest of All Time!” She had utter glee in her voice as she made this declaration. I was taken aback. Wow. Really? O.K., I guess. It wasn’t the first time this semester she had said something of this nature. The last time she said “you blow my mind.” Nakia is in two of my classes: Regenerative Design and Net Zero Energy Design. I am a sustainability specialist who doesn’t beat around the bush. I expose my students to the urgency in the breakdown of our social-ecological system while equipping them with the knowledge and skills that they will need to deal with our challenges. I cover the hard personal work we need to do in one class, and the hard technical work in the other. The underlying message is this:

We can do this. 

Which brings me to a point. The way that we can do this (whatever this ends up being) is by first and foremost realizing our own inherent potential and then by bringing our own unique gifts to bear. I would have a hard time accepting the title GOAT if it was comparing me to all professors, or all architects, or all sustainability specialists, or all humans, etc. But what if we applied it just to me, myself, and I? As in, I am the Greatest ME of All Time. That, I at least hope, is true… for the moment. Of course I hope to outdo myself in just a second. Waiting… O.K., well, back to my point so that we can all get back to it. The point is that I am gleefully yelling out to YOU this very instant: 

“GOAT!”

Scary.

I didn’t actually think that this would be scary, but it is. I love writing. It is easily the form of communication that I am most comfortable with. Various people throughout my life have reflected back to me that they love my writing too. Usually that has been in the context of a personal communication, as in one to one. I have long wanted to extend my (personal) writing to a larger audience, but doing so puts me face to face with what I have always dreaded most- vulnerability.

So I might as well start there. Vulnerability… just ugh. You mean you actually want me to open the gate, lower the draw bridge, put down my dukes, invite you in, and ultimately take down my walls? Are you crazy?! Do you have any idea what you are asking for?? I suppose that the people who know me best do know what they are asking for. But for those of you who do not know me, let this be your warning.

My role in life is to disrupt. What I tend to disrupt are the beliefs, thoughts, strategies, patterns, and so on that hold us back from reaching our full potential. This applies to myself first and foremost. I happen to have a lot of those. Traditionally speaking, all you have to do to launch me into a hard headed quest is to tell me something is impossible. I’ll be compelled to prove otherwise. The truth is that this has in large part been a hyper-survival mechanism. But beneath that is this undying belief that… we are much bigger than the walls that we have so carefully built might suggest.